


What To Do When Your Potions Master's Been Turned Into A Doll

by Doctor_Who_Cares



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Dialogue Heavy, Gen, Humor, general silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-17
Updated: 2018-02-17
Packaged: 2019-03-20 13:04:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13718295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Doctor_Who_Cares/pseuds/Doctor_Who_Cares
Summary: Snape is caught in the crossfire between Harry & Malfoy, & ends up a little softer than normal.





	What To Do When Your Potions Master's Been Turned Into A Doll

"Flipendo!"

"Salvio hexia!"

"Expulso!"

"I've got you now, Potter!"

"I don't think so, Malfoy!"

' _What on earth is going on over there._ ' Severus had a feeling he knew what, he just didn't know close he was to it. He stepped out into the almost empty courtyard right into the middle of a heated battle.

Suddenly two hexes were thrown at him at once, knocking him to the floor.

*** * ***

Malfoy ran away immediately, ‘ _Like the evil little ferret he is_ ’ Harry thought, without even checking on the professor, not wanting to be blamed. Harry however looked down at the man - well not-man - that was slowly sitting up, rubbing his head.

"Sir, you're a doll!"

"That's not going to get you out of detention, Mr Potter." Harry was pretty sure Snape was trying to roll his eyes.

"No sir. I mean you're _literally_ a doll."

Severus held out his arms, looking at the stubby little plush things with no hands at the end.

"What did you _do_ to me?!"

"I didn't do anything." Harry held his hands up defensively.

"So you _weren't_ trying to hex Mr Malfoy?"

" _He_ was trying to hex _me_!" Harry shouted indignantly. Severus tried to sneer but it was hard with button eyes and a sewn on mouth.

"Also, perhaps you should explain to me why you are out of lesson right now?"

"Look sir, maybe I should take yo..."

" _No_! No one sees me like this. And you _never_ mention it. _**Ever**_. Do you understand me?" His voice was dangerously low, and despite his small doll form Harry backed up a little.

"Yes sir, but how are we going to turn you back?"

"I am sure I will think of something."

Severus stood turning sharply around his tiny cloak billowing behind him. ' _Even as a doll he billows_ ' Harry mused.

"Come on then." Snape turned his head to look at Harry.

" _What_? I thought..."

"You should really stop doing things like that, you might hurt yourself." Snape sneered. "Though you seem equally as likely to hurt yourself when you _don't_ think. Perhaps you should just give up all together."

"I _thought_ you wanted to do it yourself."

"I would love to do it myself, unfortunately as of right now I don't even have any fingers so I will just have to make do with _you_." Harry groaned. "Trust me Potter, you aren't my first choice. You're not even in the top _twenty_. But you are here and the less people know of this the better." Snape started walking away again, Harry trailing behind him.

"Wouldn't you prefer Madam Pomfrey - she won't tell anyone."

"Correction. She will not tell any of the _students..._ among the teachers she is an awful gossip."

"Really?"

"No, I am making it up because I really relish the thought of spending my day with you."

"Very funny. I just never thought that about her. Where are we going?"

"To the library." Severus sighed.

"Oh. Why?"

" _Because_ Mr Potter, that is where to books live and I don't happen to know off the top of my head how to change me back." Severus explained slowly, as though talking to a particularly dim child.

"But won't people see you?"

"No."

"How?"

"Because I will be in your pocket. Don't give me that look! It's not as though I'll be enjoying it. And you better clean it out! I don't want to be pressed against whatever you have in there." He finished, with a slightly disgusted glance at Harry's robes.

"What kind of things do you think I keep in my _pockets_?!" Harry asked, unsure whether to be offended or not.

"I dread to think. Just do it. And then pick me up, I never realised what kind of distance it was."

Harry huffed bending down to pick up his doll professor. ‘ _At least we'll be quicker now_ ’ Harry thought. He had been slowing himself to stay with the man and it had been getting annoying.

*** * ***

Lessons had ended by the time they got to the library and there were several students in there. Snape gave his instructions on where to go while Harry followed them, taking Snape to the shelves the man supposed they'd need.

"Get me out so I can look at the books."

"What? _N_ _o_! I'll just read out the titles." Harry refused.

"Don't be ridiculous, that's entirely impractical - just get me out."

Harry sighed, resigning himself to the fate of the weird kid who brought his doll - that looked a lot like his potions master - to the library. He pulled Snape out, dropping him on a desk.

"Yes, don't bother trying to be gentle Potter. Hold me up to the books, I can't see from down here." Severus held up his tiny little arms, a sign Harry should lift him.

"You're doing this deliberately to make me look weird."

"Of course I'm not. It's just the easiest way to go about it. Making you look weird is merely a bonus."

"Well that's alright then!" Harry replied sarcastically.

"Do shut up, you're going to get us kicked out."

"Fine! Just hurry up, my arms getting tired." Severus paced Harry's hand moving from book to book, whenever he would want him to move his hand along he would kick Harry's thumb. Harry's arm was really starting to ache by the third bookshelf, and he decided to change it from the awkward angle of having his palm up by just grabbing Snape around the middle.

"Don't hold me like _this_." Snape grumbled, kicking his stubby legs and flailing his arms, hitting Harry completely ineffectually on the hand. Harry wasn't paying attention, he'd just noticed something. " _What_?" Severus moaned irritably.

"You're... _r_ _eally_ soft."

"Put me _down_. Put me down right now!"

"And _squishy_." Harry commented, squeezing Snape's middle. He was surprised when he heard Snape laugh. He squeezed him again, gently.

"Hahaha stop, ha...p...haha...put me down."

"Why would I want to do that?" Harry asked, lifting Snape up to look at him closely.

"Because if you don't I'll kill you slowly and frame your obnoxious friends for the murder."

"Okay okay, _fine_." Harry placed him on the shelf.

"Didn't anyone ever teach you not to grab people like that?" Snape huffed, straightening his robes.

"No, I don't think anyone ever mentioned the proper handling of a doll that's also your Potions professor."

"What a tremendous oversight in your education - though having taught you for a few years I believe it is entirely possible it was mentioned and you just didn't listen."

"Can we just get back to..."

"What have you got there Potty?" A voice drawled from behind them. Harry turned around to see Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle. He snatched Snape off the shelf, ready to hide him.

"Is that a _doll_?" Malfoy laughed loudly. Harry looked down at Snape wondering about the best course of action. He was pretty sure the little Snape clutched in his fist was mouthing threats at him, but as he couldn't properly move his mouth Harry couldn't be sure.

Malfoy lunged at him trying to take the doll. Harry threw himself over a table, sliding across it knocking ink pots, quills, books and a lamp flying. Pince was over in a flash throwing the whole group out.

Harry started at a run, the others took a bit more time to get their bearings but weren't too far behind.

"I'm sure I'm going to regret telling you this but there is a secret passage just up here where we should be able to lose them." Harry nodded panting, turning into the passage Snape had suggested.

He stopped, hearing footsteps running up the corridor.

"They're gone." Harry all but collapsed.

"You'd think with all the sneaking about and gallivanting with your friends you do you'd be a bit fitter."

"It's easy for some who were just carried here."

"It wasn't ideal you were holding me so tight I'm surprised I didn't start splitting at the seams." Snape replied, rubbing his stuffed belly.

"Sorry." Harry was still lying on his back on the floor convinced he was about to have a heart attack. He turned his head to look at Snape. "What are you doing?" Snape was staring at Harry with a look of intense concentration.

"Trying to raise my eyebrow, it's difficult to control felt."

"Here." Harry reached out pushing Snape's eyebrow up with his thumb. Snape slapped at him.

"Get off."

"Wait! Look. _Happy_." Harry rolled onto his stomach so he could use both hands, putting his thumbs at the corners of Snape's mouth pushing up. " _Sad_." He pushed down.

"This isn't funny." Snape bit out.

" _Really angry._ " Harry moved to his eyebrows, pushing them together and down.

"Potter, do not make me kill you! Neither of my bosses would appreciate it."

"Alright. Why did you want to raise your eyebrow anyway?"

"Just general disbelief at the fact you apologised, and also wondering what you want."

"Oh tell me what you really think?!"

"You asked."

"I don't want anything! I was just sorry because I grabbed you so hard... you're trying to raise your eyebrow again, aren't you?" Snape nodded his head. "Fine! Whatever. You're never gonna see me as anything other than an arsehole."

"Language, Potter."

"Whatever. What's next, we can't really go back to the library."

Severus raised his hand as though to pinch the bridge of his nose - unfortunately he had neither the fingers nor the nose required to do such an act - and let out a deep sigh. "Yes, that is a problem. I suppose we'll go to my office and see if there are any potions we may be able to use."

"Okay sir." Harry lifted Severus, putting him more carefully into his pocket. He left the passage, checking the corridor then heading for the stairs.

"Hi Harry!"

"Cho." He jumped, slipping as he tried to lean on the banister.

"Smooth Potter."

"Shut _up_." He hissed.

"You missed Defence Against the Dark Arts."

"Oh um... yeah I know."

"This conversation is riveting, but in case you haven't noticed I'm still a doll so if you could hurry this up."

"Look, I have to go."

"Are you trying to avoid me?" Cho asked, starting to well up. "Is it Granger? Are you going to see her?"

"Don't start crying!" He meant it to be comforting but his panic had made it sound more like a warning. He could _hear_ Snape eye roll.

"I'm _not_ crying." She stormed off huffing. Harry stood watching her go.

"Well, that went well."

"Ugh! I don't understand girls."

"It doesn't get any easier." Severus stated, somewhat bitterly.

"That's reassuring." Harry grumbled, heading for the dungeons. "Although it would be easier if I didn't have my teacher in my pocket, heckling me."

"That is possible but maybe you should also try not shouting at them not to cry, or making them think you are actively avoiding them, or making them think you're seeing another woman. Just a thought."

"But I'm not _doing_ any of those things. I'm with you."

Severus did the closest thing to a face palm he could do without a palm and sighed. "Yes well, you didn't exactly tell her that did you?"

"You forbade me from talking about it!"

"I was suggesting you _lie_."

"Why does she care where I am or who I'm with?"

"She is clearly an overly emotional teenage girl who wants confirmation that the boy she fancies isn't spending time with other girls she perceives as a threat."

"How could you tell that?"

"It's slightly comforting to know you aren't messing up your potions on purpose just to annoy me, you just really are this stupid."

"I'm not stupid I just... why's everyone looking at me?"

"Why is everyone looking at Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, who has saved us all several times, is in the newspapers every other day, and is currently conversing with himself about his inability to talk to anyone of the opposite gender?"

"I forgot about that." Harry broke into a run. Once they were in the office Harry pulled Severus out of his pocket putting him on the desk.

"It's not _anyone_ of the opposite gender, it's her just her."

"Must be love."

"You think?" Harry asked, feeling a little less miserable.

"Of course not! I think you're both ridiculous and _we_ have more pressing issues."

"Ugh, fine. Want me to hold you up to any more shelves?"

"No, I already know all of the books in this room, they're unlikely to be of any help."

"Then why are we here?"

"Because we can stay here and think of something without other people being around." Severus paced the desk.

"Oka..."

"Sshhh."

"What?" Harry whispered.

"Other people shouldn't be around can you hear that?"

Harry nodded, picking Severus up and edging to the door. He could hear the clicking of heels on stone. The door opened carefully revealing the short pink form of Umbridge. Harry jumped back in horror.

*** * ***

"What are you doing here?" She hissed, her voice sickly sweet and girlish.

"What are _you_ doing here?" Harry and Severus replied together. Harry moved his hand to over Snape's mouth. Umbridge's eyes fell to the hand in his pocket.

"I'm meeting professor Snape." She smiled. Snape was kicking and pulling at Harry's hand, mumbling incomprehensibly. Harry took that as she was lying.

" _I'm_ meeting professor Snape." Harry returned.

"Really Mr Potter? Does he know you're stealing from him? What's in you pocket?"

"I don't have anything of his."

"Empty your pockets."

"No."

"You may want to do it before I call for Filch or the inquisitorial squad. Or we could just wait until the professor comes back..."

Harry groaned. There was no way out but he couldn't let more people get involved. He started emptying his pockets, laying his things out on the desk. Most of his things were in the left pocket as he'd cleaned out the right to put Snape in it.

"There! That's it."

"You haven't emptied your right pocket."

"There's nothing in there."

"Turn it out then!"

Severus meanwhile had been cursing his fingerless hands, wishing he could find a way to break through the stitching and climb into the lining of Harry's robes so as not to be found. Harry had run out of ideas. He slid his hand into his pocket pulling Severus out and lying him on the desk.

Despite having no idea what would happen next and what she would do it, was _almost_ worth it to see the look on her face.

"Is that…?" Harry waited for the inevitable ‘ _your teacher you turned into a doll_ ’, the possibility he might have ' _I will not turn my potions teacher into a doll_ ' engraved into the back of his hand for the rest of his life, and then whatever Snape would do to him for letting him be found out. "...a _voodoo_ _doll_ of professor Snape."

Harry couldn't tell if she was alarmed or thought this was the best thing ever. Would that be grounds for expulsion? Probably.

He didn't reply, not quite sure what to say.

"That's what you were doing in here! You were trying to get some part of him."

"I'm just here for remedial potions."

"Have you already finished the spell?"

Harry looked towards Snape quickly, who gave a quick nod. Harry frowned, wondering how this would help.

"Yes I...I just finished it." He lied badly, seeing Snape face palm behind Umbridge's back. Umbridge turned around to look at Severus.

"How was that helpful?!" Harry mouthed angrily. Suddenly she turned back glaring at Harry, clearly aware something was going on she just couldn't tell what. Harry stood innocently looking at the ground.

Severus had stood up after a few seconds of forgetting he couldn't mouth back. Fighting back the urge to groan he started to try and sign at Harry.

Harry who could see Severus maybe _dancing_ behind Umbridge didn't really think was the time. He narrowed his eyes, shaking his head, forgetting Umbridge was there at all. She turned back, grabbing Severus, who did not look happy about it, and holding him out to Harry.

"I demand to know what's going on now! I want to know what this toy is."

Harry opened his mouth stupidly, not sure what to say.

"What toy might you be referring to?"

"What?"

"That's right. I'm talking to you, _Dolores_ _Umbridge_."

"What are... but... you're a toy!"

"I'm quite a bit more than that, but shall I give you some advice?" Harry could barely suppress his laughs. " _Play. Nice._ "

She screamed, throwing Severus in the air and running out of the room as fast as her stubby legs could carry her. Harry reached out suddenly, grabbing Severus mid-air.

"I knew your natural ability for quidditch would come in handy eventually." Severus laughed.

"And I knew _your_ ability to scare the living day lights out of anybody, no matter your situation, would come in handy." Harry barely managed around his mirth.

Once they'd calmed down a bit Harry turned to Severus. "Think she'll ever be back here again."

"Not alone."

"Why was she here in the first place?"

"Probably trying to steal a potion."

"Makes sense. You should ward your doors better."

"My personal wards are fine. You are not allowed them on your office in case the children or teachers need to come in."

"Do you have anything in your room that might help."

"You just want to see my rooms."

"Obviously. What do they look like."

"That information won't get us closer to solving my problem."

"Okay, okay. So it was two hexes that started this, so now we just need two reversal hexes to turn you back."

Severus pondered for a moment. "That... actually wasn't stupid."

"Thanks?"

"Well not entirely. I think I can find a way to change me back."

*** * ***

"If this doesn't work I'm holding you personally responsible."

"It was _your_ plan! You made a _chart_! _I've_ never made a chart!"

"It was _your_ idea first."

"And _you_ said it would work."

"I said it wasn't entirely stupid, don't go flattering yourself."

"Someone has to."

"Half the Wizarding world does."

"Half the Wizarding world thinks I'm insane."

"I meant the other half."

"The other half know I'm right and _still_ pretend I'm insane to the public."

"Aren't you? You're shouting at a doll."

"That's because the doll’s shouting at me."

"No, you're right, you _definitely_ sound alright."

"Let's just get this other with."

"Fine."

*** * ***

"Well I'm glad _that's_ over."

"You have _no idea_ how good it feels to have fingers again."

"Say what you want about being a doll sir, but it did wonders for your nose."

"Don't start Potter. But I _was_ becoming increasingly sympathetic towards the Dark Lord."

"So this is it then..."

"Why are you talking like this was some kind of summer romance?"

"Well, we spent the day together, got to know each other a bit..."

"I still hate you! Get out of my office."

" _Rude_ , but fine whatever."

"And Potter... not a _word_ of this to anyone."

"Of course not sir!"

*** * ***

"...So then I cast the spell and he was all like ' _Oh thanks Harry! I couldn't have done this without you_.' And I was all like ' _It's fine, it's what heroes do._ '"

"Then what?"

"Then I left all mysterious like, and he saluted."

"Why did you go to all that trouble? You could have just come to me." Hermione piped up.

" _What_?"

"Yeah, I checked this out of the library weeks ago." She handed him a pamphlet. ' _What_ _T_ _o_ _D_ _o_ _W_ _hen_ _Y_ _our_ _P_ _otions_ _Master_ _’s_ _B_ _een_ _T_ _urned_ _I_ _nto_ _A D_ _oll_ '.


End file.
